Bee in my Bonnet

10 May

Sometimes I watch children’s television. No, not television belonging to childrens! Programmes that are made for children! This includes watching animated movies way beyond when I should really have been watching them ie: 15 light years ago.

This one day (yesterday) I felt like a cranky old thunderpant and so I watched Bee Movie thinking that it would remind me of the fruits of nature or something. What it really did was portray bees as smug, stripy oblongs and oh my stars Jerry Seinfeld, guess what? I’m not so wild about bees anymore.

This is the star of the show; Barry Bee Benson. How darling! No. Firstly, he’s a manipulative little bastard. Secondly, close your legs Barry. Ain’t nothing to toot your horn about there.

Basic synopsis; Barry manages to escape his job at Honex, where he makes, at a guess…honey? And goes to NYC where he meets Vanessa, who comfort eats compost and replaces her human boyfriend with the creepiest cross-breed relationship known to man. Barry then goes on to sue the human race for stealing the bees honey. Yes. I know what you’re thinking. This one’s right up there with Anna-Nicole claiming she had sex with a ghost. As dumb as a cow at a country dance.

Here’s something pretty normal. Barry Bee and Vanessa enjoying a post-coital cigarette! Hey Jerry Seinfeld? If you’re going to create a new society for a film, as in, the world of bees, next time…remember laws you crazy bitch! This is as sick as old farm surgery on a Saturday night. At least they’re practising safe sex though*.

*You probably just shouldn’t have sex with bees. Probably.

Look! It’s Sting! The happiest camper at the Senior Citizens’ Day Camp! I love Sting because he is the most wonderful little old man performer and in this film his head looks like something that’s come out of the business end of a chicken. He makes a cameo in Bee Movie because he’s the only kook on the face of the planet whose name sort of relates to insects. My kinda man! But Barry’s boring old bee balls strike again and Sting gets sent down for being a bee imposter. Probably for the best though. Everyone knows he’s the merry murderer of reggae.

Ken, you look a little strir crazy but you just captured a bee in a fucking sweater and put him in a glass jar! Give the guy some credit Vanessa! Ken is so underrated in Bee Movie. Who wouldn’t love a guy that looks like an axe-wielding maniac? With a Bob’s your uncle hack job hair-cut? And that jumbo chin? To die for. Anywho, I think it’s time to set Barry free Ken. Let him fly! Let all the Barrys in the world fly!

Finally, here is something quite nice that almost restores my faith in Bee Movie. Watch it, because it will make you feel like you’ve just had your portion of Strega Nona’s Magic Pasta Pot…if you know what I mean. Over and out


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