Archive | July, 2010

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like…

28 Jul

…No! Not Christmas you doughballs! It’s still July! It’s beginning to look a lot like my friend Jemma is being swallowed up by the big old hairy buck muncher that is America. RAAARRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (Yes. That is America. Scary, no?)

In January, Jemma got sick of saggy old England with its pavements of chicken scraps and pigeon shit and decided to pack her bags and head over the seas to Philadelphia. Rightly so, because this girl had bigger fish to fry. Quite literally! She got a job at the Philadelphia docks fish market, grew a big beard and there she lived happily ever after. The End.

JUST KIDDING!

What she really did was adopt this mega lifestyle where you have to at all times be chilling out maxing relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of school and there. That’s it. This is good, because sometimes I pray to the monks in Montenegro that one day, I’ll be state side shooting some b-ball outside of school, and now I feel like I’m one step closer because my good old friend Jemma is out there sending general advice my way about how to live the American way of life. What she has come up with so far has been…actually pretty fucking weird. Her instruction mostly involves recommending I consume certain food or purchase sinister appliances and I can’t help but think that the people of America are feeding her a giant pile of baloney served at a big old yarn party.

Observe.

1. How to stay thin, by America.

Le Whif? Le what? Chocolate air?  I like eating chocolate as much as the next fat person but breathing it in?  That is a barf and a half.  Apparently it’s made with hundreds of milligrams of tiny chocolate particles that land on your tongue when you suck in. Sounds like something that might come out of the business end of a toad if you ask me. Buy Here! No thanks.

Hey! Check out these two cool clams just chilling out with their Le Whif’s. They really do add that special pizzazz to the ordinary man. Oh and that skull motif? LOVE IT. Stunning. Gorgeous. Perfection. Skull and wings. A match made in heaven.

On the website it says that ‘Whiffing chocolate is happening’. Where? WHERE?? I hear you ask.  ‘During a cab ride in New York, standing in a line in Tokyo, and at dinner tables and parties all around the world’!!!!!!!! Why would anyone be standing in a line in Tokyo?  And who’s party exactly? That’s awful. How distasteful. Or just an awful taste perhaps? I don’t know. Yet another mystery to knot the brain pipes.

2. How to have a riot, by America.

Jem rewards herself for scoring some sweet shots in the b-ball hoop with these rapscallions. Uk-ers, Britain-ers, England-ers. Whatever. Shut-Up. This is what REAL chocolate looks like in America. Mmmmmm. I bet you want to know what happens at a sweetriot party now I’ve lured you in this far. Yes? YES! Well apart from being a chocolate covered nib, a sweetriot is ‘a joyful celebration of culture, diversity, and understanding — it is the opposite of a civil riot, which is dangerous, violent, and oppressing’.  Yikes! That is a big old occupation for one nib. Barack Obama, is that you hiding in that tiny tin? It is? Well come out because guess what. You just killed the riot party.

But what happens after the party finishes you ask? DON’T PANIC. This party never ends you crazy bitches. The sweetriot tin is recyclable, reusable and returnable. Yes. Yes it is.

Look at what Ted Ko did with his tins! Tins for gadgets! Tins for earphones! Tins for iPod cords! Man he knows how to mix this party up!

Also, Susie Princess King says, ‘My family uses the empty tin to keep small treats for me when I attend my weekly obedience class and when out for a walk’.

Urrrrm Susie. Are you a dog? Did you type this yourself? Has this party just got a bit too crazy for my liking? I think it has. I’m outta here.

3. How to get fucked up, by America.

I don’t even know you guys, I don’t even know. Jemma gets it. She gets what’s for dinner. She gets us. You can take the girl out of Wales but you can’t take Wales out of the girl. True dat. You crazy wizard.

Video of Happiness

16 Jul

I know what your thinking. This isn’t a fashion blog. It couldn’t be further from being a fashion blog. But it is my blog and I work in fashion so just roll with this one ok?

Even if wearing orthopedic wedges is your thing, I’m still confident you are only a short way off appreciating this video sneak peek. I can’t high five my boss enough today for creating this little beauty. And you know who’s also a cool man? I do. Jamie Morgan. He did a lot of crazy creative shit before this but I’m pretty sure this venture must be one of his favourites because he gave us a Doberman. Yeah. Yeah he did French Connection.

So there it is. That’s it…Until September. Watch this space.

Grade-A Nervous Breakdown

9 Jul

I turned 25 this week.  My brother called me ‘ancient’. This is how I feel about the situation:

I’m galloping towards 30 like a frisky stallion. Yikes.