Archive | February, 2010

Roma Roma-Ma: Gaga Ooh La La.

24 Feb

Fashion Week is here and it’s time to applaud the mavericks who have taken ensemble collaboration to the next level. I have chosen one of these individualists to pat on the back and yes that’s right, it’s Lady Gaga.

Let’s face it, Gaga is a peroxide genius. She looks like a marginally better version of 80’s Madonna and there is something so underrated about the practicality of her wardrobe. Even though her clothes have a slightly possessed feel to them- there’s no denying that they could easily be worn day to day and clearly provide the key to success.

Going to award shows and a-like can build up a fierce appetite. The solution to this is simple. Take along a large piece of cheese on your head, this way there should be enough to keep you going all day. My favourite is actually Cheddar but unlike Gaga’s sensible piece of Brie, you would not be able to double this up as a sun visor.

LG once told us through the medium of song, ‘I want your ugly, I want your disease’ and good for her, she’s obviously gone and got it! This looks like a vicious symptom for I don’t know what, but you can recreate the look by simply smearing snail caviar all over your face.

Kermits on holiday Miss Piggy- On Gaga’s back!

What did that man next to you do now? He sneezed on your outfit and now it’s at a slight incline? Oh that guy! He sure looks happy with his renovation though.

Uh oh! Not enough room in your handbag? Good thing you can use your comb as sunglasses and your cotton wool balls as a hat. These are great space savers and now you’ll be prepared come rain or come shine.

Hey Barbara Windsor, how did you get in here? Just kidding gang! But whoever the hell this is, they sure have got their centuries muddled up.

Before they had Starbucks cups they had this crappy thing- so unrefined. Here’s a tip though: even if you are drinking tea (in the street), why not dress up a little? LG finds comfort by protecting her eyes from that wayward teaspoon that is laible to catapolt tea everywhere in a split second.

…Fashion and Lady Gaga. They go together like Stig and the Dump. All looks can be found at clothoncrack.com.

Nourish Yourself

10 Feb

I have a problem.  Well I have lots of problems, but one is that Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to be my mother.

When your closest bond at work is the one you have with your inbox, the key to keep things interesting is to subscribe to as many email newsletters as possible.  This way there’s always something new and exciting to look at and sometimes they even write your name at the top which I think adds a nice personal touch.

This one time, I subscribed to Gwyneth’s newsletter called GOOP.  I’m pretty sure the G and P stand for Gwyneth and Paltrow but I’m at a loss as to what the O’s are for. Perhaps she changed her name to O’Paltrow or something? I don’t know.  Anyway, she doesn’t write my name at the top although sometimes I’m referred to as a “Goopster”. Quaint.

The newsletters are divided into categories such as Go, Make, Do, See, Be etc. and offer advice from eliminating white foods, to where to get a great wax, to how to get lego out of your sons eye. Ok that last ones not true but I feel like that’s where this thing could go.

What get’s my goat is that I feel like Gwyneth is trying to convince me weekly that she’s the next goddam Mother Theresa and remember that time when she named her son Moses?  Also, she seems to think that everyone has just got a spare 500 bucks hidden under the floor boards to go and spend on a rib eye steak at Mr. Chow.   A few months ago, she told me to read this book called ‘Clean- The Revolutionary Programme to Restore the Body’s Natural Ability to Heal Itself’.  Yikes.  Go and ask your mum about the word ‘cult’.  My point is that taking advice from GOOP could be risky business.

I understand that one man’s loss is another man’s gain (or whatevz) and some people might love shit like this but when it comes to celebrity wisdom, I prefer the style of someone like Kanye. I will always live by the word of Kanye- he doesn’t beat around the bush, he just puts it right out there and luckily, every time he gives a sermon someone puts it on YouTube!

I don’t normally put videos on my blog but, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”? – It’s simply outstanding.  Kanye also knows a lot about politics, about Taylor Swift and Beyonce and to quote the master directly, “If I don’t win, this award show looses”.  Yes Kanye, you brilliant and hilarious man.

Also, I love reading all the wacky things that go through the minds of celebrities and thanks to Twitter, this is possible.  Brett Easton Ellis told us last week that he was going to have a “fucking party” because J.D Salinger passed away.  Patrick Bateman did something like this after he murdered Bethany in a particularly heinous manner.  Perhaps he thinks that’s just what people do?  Brett, you’re a genius but that’s pretty morbid.

Really though, I hope technology can advance even more so that one day I might be able to ride the open highway in a Range Rover with Bruce Springsteen driving me.  In the mean time though, I’ll keep reading GOOP.

Housing A Small Chip On My Shoulder

3 Feb

I’ve missed the New Year’s resolution ship by about six weeks but I don’t care. Here are some things that I’m sick and tired of doing and that I will attempt to relinquish from my life during 2010.

1. Working.

2. Reading shameless self promotions on Facebook.

3. Inhaling excess smoke.

4. Trying to eat 5 a day- despite the fact I know it should be more like 10 a day to maintain a healthy existence- too much like hard work if you ask me.

5. Making lists.

6. Resisting the urge to just fucking punch people on the tube.

7. Admin jobs. I’ve been on this earth for 24 years, my parents could have funded a small country’s economy with the amount they spent on my schooling AND I have a literature degree from a top mediocre university. All for what you ask? To be a goddam document deposit.

8. Convincing myself that it might be sunny tomorrow.

9. Deciphering humanity- Madonna and Ange adopting from developing countries? What. In. Fresh. Hell.

10. Feeling the brunt of people’s insecurities.

11. Feeling the brunt of my own insecurities.

12. Dealing with baby brains. No, I don’t care if little Johnny is particularly needy after his morning nap.

13. Being unprepared for high-fives.

14. Running over animals.

15. Believing that Gin will cure the common cold.

16. USING CAPS LOCK.

17. Remaining unpublished.

18. Only taking holidays in risky countries.

19. Trying to be Superman when I should just settle for Clark Kent. It’s ok to be Clark. Clark had his own TV show too. So don’t even worry about it! Yes, it was with Terri Hatcher but she’s awesome- look how far she’s come- Metropolis to Wisteria Lane!

20. Stop saying ‘OMG’. Typing it is just about acceptable.