Archive | January, 2010

Pursue the Prize

29 Jan

Some people might get nervous if they received this from their boss.

Not me!  Apparently in the war, they filled radio transmitters with Turkish Delight.  Man, they knew how to mix things up. Over and Out.

We Suck!

20 Jan

When we were kids, my mother told my brother and me that if we made it to 21 without having a puff on a cigarette, she’d give us 500 bucks. We both failed. The point of this story is not that we are now short of £500 and both at risk of getting lung cancer, no, it’s that there is nothing in the world purer than siblings failing at the same thing.

Today I was reminded of this because my friend Jemma emigrated to the U.S to start a glamorous new job and in pretty much the same minute, her sister appeared in a photo shoot for Vogue. On a similar level of excellence, I spent the morning scrubbing a mayonnaise stain out of my boss’s carpet and at around the same time, my brother set off to work wearing a white boiler suit, laden only with the knowledge that his task would be to ‘chop something down’.

Anyway, my point is that when your down and contemplating drowning in a swimming pool of self pity, there’s nothing like having someone by your side to embrace being crap with. You’re failing at life, you’re failing because you’re not dating Robbie Williams but whatevz, your brother was contemplating benefits last week.

Sometimes, things can get pretty heavy living in London and I have to go back home to wallow, and then reassess my life goals and objectives. My remedy is this; drive to McDonalds with my brother and stuff my face with cheese burgers until I want to die. Then, maybe it’s the combination of sugary, salty, fatty food and feeling like our lives are about to end, but we partake in the greatest debate of all and that is: ‘Who Is The Worst Offspring?’. YIKES. It’s always a toughie because basically, we both have eyes that are too close together, both worship Eastenders and are both mediocre at maintaining good relationships, good grades, good jobs and car safety. (On the plus side though, we can go for years without hearing a song but as soon as we hear the first bars, all of the lyrics come back to us and the dance moves too, and goddamit, it’s a fucking showstopper. Thank you Gene Kelly. Also, we both fair well in difficult sea conditions). But that’s not the point, ultimately I am the winner.

Once, around 1998, on a flight back from Florida, just as we were pulling into Heathrow, my brother got his winky caught in his flies. There were no tears, just that silent, pale kind of pain and then things got pretty exciting. He got taken to the first class cabin, a doctor was called, we made an emergency landing and got escorted by the airport ambulance through customs, baggage claim and then home. The whole incident saved us about 3 hours of inbound travel hell. Your honour, I rest my case. You couldn’t pay your son to do that. Jack Jelly, I salute you. Good night.

Nothing I do in my life will ever compare to the greatness of my brother that day but luckily, since then, the failboat has had room for us both and what great consistency we will continue to maintain.

How To Survive The Snow

6 Jan

Being ‘snowed in’ doesn’t meant that the snow outside your front door is piled so high that you can’t get out.  This only ever happens to people that live about 1000 miles outside of St. Petersburg who live in wooden huts.  Also, you may have noticed that front doors open inwards so you can always get out.

Once you’re out of the house, remember that the world around you has fallen to shit.  Buses don’t work, trains are suspended and the majority of roads are either closed or stupidly congested.  This means you will have to walk everywhere.  Not a bad thing because you can a) count how many people think it’s acceptable to wear garish cagoules just because it’s snowing and b) high five your friends and have a good old laugh when you see one of the cagoule wearers slip on the ice.

It might be that the only decent place you can walk to is the village store.  This is ok, because it’s actually a great location to witness the astounding British wartime spirit.  You can have a conversation with your neighbourhood watch representative about how the snow is simply wreaking havoc but well, “you’ll just have to cope, won’t you?”

While you’re at the village store, don’t forget to stock up.  Often at times like this, bread, eggs, milk and bottled water sell out fast because let’s face it, it’s pretty much like the last day on earth outside and you need to be making excellent choices about your survival provisions.

Once you’ve exhausted the fresh air and you’re back at home, make the most of the time here by charging up all your electrical appliances, colour coordinating your C.D’s and cooking a chicken.   I also find that being stuck at home can generate moments of reflection.  On this one day at home over Christmas, when I couldn’t be bothered to change out of my pyjamas, I decided it would be a great opportunity to eat an old Jordan’s Frusli bar that I had been carrying around London and hoarding for a while.  Looking at the empty wrapper provided me with a great moment of clarity because I realised just how goddamn shit it was to be stuck at home against my will. I immediately got changed and went out.  But that’s not the point. Snow is great.

If you look out of your window you’ll realise that snow can make things pretty exciting.  I heard this one guy phoned up 999 because he was stuck on a mound of ice and was too scared to move backwards or forwards in case he fell.  Man, I’d love to have seen that.  It’s also astounding how many people get into some sort of bother in the snow but the rest of the general public refuse to acknowledge or help them. I’m sure some of these events are consequential and I should learn from their mistakes but I’m basically too busy high-fiving my friends to interpret them.

If you follow my instructions you’re pretty much ahead of the game.  Now you can go to the pub and impress your friends with these snow jokes which I’m providing at no extra cost. They’re snow funny (!).

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Ice-burgers

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs.

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle.

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce ?
A snowball.

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet.

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite.

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo.