Archive | December, 2009

Is That You London?

15 Dec

The time has come! The end of my Fulham fallout is nigh and in 2 days I’ll be moving to the bad ass lands of North London.  For 2.5 years I’ve been trying to make sense of West London and its inhabitants but have failed, so despite the fact that a selection of my friends and family think I’m “going off the rails” because I’m moving up North, I’m excited to be living somewhere that’s not totally rubbish. The chief reason I don’t get on in Fulham or Chelsea to be exact, is that it’s predominantly overrun with an elitist social niche that lacks anyone with an iota of individuality.  Your success as a person in Chelsea is directly proportional to the number of people you know who talk and dress in exactly the same way as you, and unless under obligation, I have no idea why anyone would want to live there.

Nevertheless, if you have visited Chelsea and have decided to be part of the “London Elite” there are two options for you: a) head over to your local GP who will happily send you off with the men in white coats, or b) read this expert guide on how to get by in Chelsea and carry on with this goddamn insanity.

Winston Churchill once said,If your wife doesn’t like the aroma of your cigar, change your wife.”  The majority of people who live in Chelsea are genuine descendants of the man himself, so gentlemen, you need to start smoking a cigar, this will really take you up a notch.

Ladies, Kate Middleton is divinity.  Fucking look at that outfit, The Queen would have a coronary over that tweed jacket! She’s pretty much about to marry the future king of England and basically, she has it all.  Like Kate, your pashmina is your security blanket.  I know what you’re thinking, “But Auntie Georgie, Vogue said the pashmina is passé.” Well guess what? People in Chelsea don’t read Vogue, they only have subscriptions to Tatler.  Once I went to a posh party in Chelsea and ended up on the back pages of Tatler looking so out of place, I felt like I needed a Royal pardon. Did I get one? No, but that’s not the point.  Kate is holy.

The first thing you need to do if you’re a man is get a pair of ladies sunglasses and a lace umbrella.  Look at this chap.  He looks like a complete moron but doesn’t he also look sophisticated and suave?  Yes, ladies sunglasses and an umbrella will definitely take you to the next level, the level where everyone thinks you’re a douche but reckons that you go to lots of cool garden parties and therefore, needs to be your friend.

You may need to be aware that Jack Wills (former Chelsea uniform) has been overrun by proletariat chav-scum but don’t worry, Ralph Lauren remains an enclave of sacredness because, let’s be honest, it’s not cheap.  Get a Ralph Lauren closet like Kanye West (Rap singer. Chain Blinger. Holla at the next chick soon as you’re blinkin), nothing fake mind, otherwise you might get tied to a tree on someone’s estate and be ritually torched.  For ladies, be a goddamn fashion maverick and team an R.L sweater with your Ugg boots.  These are a disgustingly ubiquitous item but it is your duty to make them bloody more so.

Lastly, all you need to do is have fun like these gentlemen.  All they do is wear top hats, large bow ties and drink expensive ale.  This is what people do in Chelsea, and look at the joy on their faces! So that’s it, move to West London and dress like this for the rest of your life- what could be the harm? But don’t slap yourself and coming running to me in the North when you realise that you’re JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

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Casanova In Hell

4 Dec

Last week, if you had heard someone talking about ‘woods’ you would have immediately thought of either a perimeter of land saturated with trees , or if you’re part of the corrupt golfing world, your driver (3 or 5, not Mercedes or BMW).  This week, the assumption is of course, that you are referring to PGA tour sovereign and man-whore, Tiger Woods.

This man is up shit creek without a paddle.  To make a mistake like crashing your car while trying to run from the even bigger mistakes you’ve already made is quite frankly, the worst mistake you can make.  To add to this, when your real name is Eldrick and you look like an over grown toddler, I’m pretty sure you need to take another look in the mirror before you decide to cheat on your wife who incidentally, is a Swedish goddess.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that a massive talent and a massive bank balance is a God-given license to punch way above your weight, but it is no excuse for fidelity issues. Gentleman superstars you have got to know when enough is e-goddamn-nough. Observe:

Jo Wood could be a Hollywood A-lister with that sultry look but Ronnie would probably only get cast as Windy Miller.  He also has a sufficient amount of hair to cover all 4 of the Rolling Stones heads, yet he traded in gorgeous and sophisticated Jo for a teenage Russian waitress who is secretly rinsing him of all his vodka. Nice work.

Maybe it’s a bit of a stretch to say that Ashley Cole is “ugly” but even before he got all pukey during sex with a fugly bartender, I found him unsettling.  He looks as thick as two short planks and essentially, he is.  Yes Ashley, Cheryl won’t mind you cheating on her as long as you “keep it a secret”.

Sienna and Jude broke up in 2005 (15th June to be precise) and thank god I say.  Jude looks like the kind of guy that would hit on your granny given half the chance and despite the fact that he looked really cool in that suit in The Talented Mr. Ripley, he gave his nanny a sympathy shag to boost his ego.  WTF Jude? Did you see yourself in AI: Artificial Intelligence with that appalling receding hairline? I am not going to post a picture of it because I don’t want to gag for the next three hours.

I get it, rich ugly men have it tough, it’s a raw deal bagging a girl who makes you feel insufficient but boys, eat a platter of crudités and get a taste of being cheated on yourself, then you’ll see how bloody raw life is.  Ladies, if you’re going to date an ugly bloke just make sure he is also poor, this way he won’t be attractive to anyone else.