Archive | November, 2009

I Can’t Believe You Ronald

26 Nov

A rare as hell advertising strategy- using the consistency of a milkshake as an analogy to the average intellect of your standard customer.

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House of Cards

24 Nov

If there’s anything I’ve learnt from the media this week, it’s that European politicians are very, very busy casting a grotesque shadow over the brow of the Continent.

I am remarkably naive when it comes to politics, all I know about the British political system is that it’s full of people I would never want to meet, making laws for people they would never want to meet and that the whole machine is headed up by a goddamn numpty who can’t spell.

Consolation last week came in the form of a picture of Nicolas Sarkozy, pick axe in hand feebly chipping away at the Berlin wall, circa 1989.  It later emerged that a) the picture was sourced from his Facebook page (?) and b) that the picture was taken after the date that the wall had actually fallen.  Powerless to the supremacy of the internet, Sarkozy found himself popping up at a series of historic events in spoof photographs namely, walking on the moon, inventing penicillin and storming the Bastille in 1789.  This was followed on by a chorus of mockery from the French nation.

Despite the fact that not all reaction to the Berlin Wall picture was good-humoured and that Sarkozy himself clearly stated that the mockery offended him, equivalent stories have recently surfaced in neighboring Britain with Gordon’s sock gate and in Italy with “down n’ dirty” Berlusconi.

As I said previously, I am in no way a measurable guide for democratic participation but if a bit of light hearted comedy draws my attention,  perhaps I will be given good reason to pay attention to otherwise boring parliamentary debates.  I feel we will never come close to clearing up the apple pie mess that Europe’s political systems are currently embroiled in and until they come up with some improved schemes, I am happy to watch Presidents and Prime Ministers compete for the Foot in Mouth award.

Yield To The Aged

19 Nov

There is something profoundly worrying about the fact that more and more women these days seem to go for younger men.  This isn’t just a fad.  I know this, because they have even designated a brand new name to the formerly titled toy boys.  I’ve heard that Demi and Madonna now refer to their fella’s as their “cubs”.

YUK.

However, the label is quite accurate.  Like a cub, men in their 20’s are fun, cuddly and cute but they can also be extremely annoying and are ultimately terribly confused and in need of mothering.   This is a rather vast generalisation but as yet, I have no proof that suggests otherwise.  I recently read a piece by an intelligent, mature journalist who acknowledged her new love for Robert Pattinson through an article of which the headline was: “Help! I’m in love with a teenage vampire”.  The awkwardness persisted when she appeared on BBC news the next morning to discuss this.  What in fresh hell Bridget?? Just because Robert Pattinson is a smouldering and mysterious vampire, it doesn’t mean he won’t make you watch sport, randomly stop texting and calling you, leave you hanging and eventually end up in the fail boat.  Have you forgotten your boyfriends of a bygone era?

Apparently though, younger men are not just reserved for celebrities.  Thanks to Rita at a specialist online dating service, women several decades older than me are provided with useful tips on how to sink their claws into a cub.  The signature chat up line is “I think you should ask me out.  This is a limited and exclusive offer”.  If you can’t be honest with yourself ladies, then you’re just making life more difficult for you and the rest of the world.  Your hefty divorce package is no match for Sky Sports.

I am constantly betrayed by my years and hormones and understand that girls my age can do some sketchy things (especially at alcohol related gatherings) that guys hate, but this only leads me to think that we need older men who think we’re captivating enough to get away with it.  This is why I need to date Michael Caine.  Although he’s aging a bit like Joan Collins, he’s still undeniably handsome and cool.  He once gave an astounding piece of general advice that I have since lived my life by, “Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath”.  This is why I need to marry him. Although, he might already be married I don’t actually know, sorry Mrs. Caine if you exist.

Also, look at Robbie Williams.  Fucking look at him now? At 40-whatever he’s still one of the burliest men alive and who do we have to thank for this? Only his mentor and Knight of the Realm, Sir Tom Jones.  I know the place to go, when you’re grey and old Robbie.

In Hong Kong they’ve absolutely nailed it.  Girls go on ‘compensation dates’ with older men in return for Britney Spears T-shirts and they don’t see it as prostitution because in their minds, they’re in control of the sex.  Younger guys date inflatable cartoon characters…everyone’s a winner!!

Maybe I am being too optimistic.  The oldest man I’ve dated is 31 (I was 19) and by dated, I mean kissed after a night of cocktail induced madness.  Since then I have stayed within my age bracket, not by choice, it just seems that me and (famous) older men are like passing ships in the night…A love story of the saddest kind.

Reiss’s Fine Dining

8 Nov

As I just excitedly bellowed to my parents across the kitchen table, I really hope that when I return to work on Monday, the kitchenette area once again turns into Scottish Corner.

What is Scottish Corner you ask? It’s when a member of the Scottish contingency leaves a home-made shortbread package in the corner of the kitchenette.

Scotty_bw

The Light In The Greenhouse Is Very Dim

7 Nov

Gardening trip to Wight Salads

Like a gaydar, the ability to pick out suitable horticultural attire is a mystery to all outsiders.