Archive | October, 2009

The Last Judgment

28 Oct

Oh my goodness.  I’m finding it sort of mind-blowing the amount of awkward celebrity comebacks I have had to witness over the last month or so.  Whitney and Robbie made for some very unpleasant Sunday night viewings and now we’ve been placed (literally) face to face with Amy Whinehouse’s plastic new boobs.   I’m not down with this.

I understand that these creative genius types often fall into the degenerate category but whereas nobody had to directly witness the downfall of say, Hemingway and Lord Byron (and they certainly did not flash their nipples), I cannot open a morning newspaper without  seeing some form of celebrity indecency and I am worried.  Where has all the glamour gone? Audrey Hepburn would be horrified. Lady icon’s of 2009 you’re coming up short.  Have some goddam decorum and listen up.

Francoise hardy

Look at Francoise Hardy, fucking look at her.  That is unassuming beauty.  Ladies, don’t be afraid to wear knitwear or not expose your hair extensions; a pillar box hat covers up the matting well.

bungalow 8 nightclub 290109

Are you really going to The Ritz for tea Lady GaGa? You had better not be going wearing that rubber bra and matching latex skirt UNLESS later on in the evening you decide to throw a genuine fox stole and some diamonds over that dirt.


Knackered ballet pumps will not suffice Amy.  A sophisticated pair of heels is always a classic because you can even wear them to the beach!  And this is good for you because of all that time you’ve been spending in the Caribbean.  You can’t fail.

So now you’re looking a million dollars girls, you’re ready to hit the town with a bloody hockey stick.  Here are some things to remember.   Strictly no Redbull.  Only drink out of a glass people want to see you holding e.g. a champagne or martini glass.  Don’t ask the bar tender for a ‘Sex on the Beach’, everybody wants to think your amazing because you’re a celebrity but no one will if you ask for one of these.  Lastly, flat abs, shoulders back and invoke the essence of what you truly are; a sparkly bringer of magic to human society.

Ps- I have been the world’s worst blogger over the last two weeks and this is why:

  1. I have no internet at home any longer.
  2. I am flat hunting (which is too exciting not to do in every spare moment I have)


20 Oct


From top to bottom, each image is the no. 1 result* to come up when I Google a letter of my name!


* #2 result for the 2nd G and E.

Power Radical

19 Oct


My friend Pickle and I, during a chicken, bacon and avocado salad moment, deliberated over the fact that due to the current economic climate, it is far easier for a woman to get a job than a man.  We determined the reasons were as follows:

–There are more admin roles available, and men lack admin ability.

— ?

The next day, my mother sent through an email which clarifies why women are superhuman when it comes to being the flirtatious and charming assistant to the office and therefore the winners in 2009.   The 1943 Guide to Hiring Woman taken from Transport Magazine of the same year imparts essential advice on how to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

1.  Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods throughout the day.  You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology.  A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

2.  Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women.  Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this- it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

3.  When you have to use an older woman, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives.  Older woman who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy.  It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

Thus, after years of delicate heritage and knowledge being passed down through maternal generations, women have learnt how to conduct themselves impeccably in the office and also, to quit before we reach 40.


It seems unfair to me that we ladies have such a wealth of information and consequently exceed the achievements of men when entering the work place so, with my 2 years of 9 to 5 experience I have compiled a work-entry guidance list for the boys of Generation-Y:


1. Search your name and eradicate any incriminating evidence that you enjoy your youth a little too much (e.g. photos of you stoned on Facebook).

2. Emanate an air of experience (but without looking over-the-hill) by dying the hair around your temples.  A little grey makes one look distinguished and announces efficiency.

3. Compliment your interviewer on his watch. You will not see his mid-life crisis car collection or stately home and the grandfather in him will need to know you aspire to be just like him.

4.  The only thing comparable to “scoring” with a girl is that self-conscious feeling of being enticing and charismatic.  Free libation is absolutely the only thing that ever initiates this, so flirt a little with your interviewer, be it man or woman.

Once your foot is in the door, stay in the game:

5. As a young free agent, play the position of the vulnerable delinquent.  Older men love to coach and mentor the youth.

6. Pretend you know NOTHING about contemporary gadgetry. No man over the age of 40 does, pride will not let him admit that.

7. But, be a team player.  Advise on modern lingo and cool indie bands, it’s good to give back sometimes.

8. Be loyal, this is not a footie match and your boss is not Alan Hansen (down with the football heroes!), trust he will not be making regular substitutions.


If none of this appeals to you however, take ANOTHER leaf out of the ladies book and start a revolution.  There is nothing I’d like more than to come home to a Gen-Y husband cooking Coq-au-vin with fairy soft hands.

Hey Why You Wanna Go And Do That Love Huh

15 Oct

A perk of having a WordPress blog, is that it comes with a ‘stats’ page which allows you to see a breakdown of the visits to your blog.  This includes associated searches that people enter into Google who in turn are linked to my site.

So far today the searches have been, ‘girls for iphone’ and ‘scanning jelly as color palette’.  Whilst I’m aware that Google suggesting my blog as an option for these is a) frustrating and b) probably not going to give you the answer you’re seeking, if you are reading this, I’d love to know exactly what your cryptic searches were actually for?

Many thanks.

An Era of Information

14 Oct

Benedict Carey wrote in the The New York Times last week about how ‘Nonsense Sharpens the Intellect’ – in short, he argues that occasionally, human disorientation and surprise can beget creative thinking by way of increasing brain power, whilst trying to make sense of uncanny events.  I’m not certain that many people with a substantial amount of rational in them would agree or even believe what these studies claim, but I have abstained credible evidence that the theory is completely acceptable.

My friend Jem is a paradigm.  Her life consists of this superbly calculated formula:

Pink unicorn episode —> Creative thought.

Let me elaborate.  Jem has successfully scaffolded her life with her unique creative talent (please see here).  Her response to fashion is like no other and her absolute non-desire to conform to any corporate environment has so far worked in her favour and as a result, she spends a lot of time on her own, completely open to the assortment of strange surprises life dishes out.  There are a number of coincidental parallels to Carey’s theory that I believe are a catalyst to Jem’s creativity:

  • Having to run from a one eyed man-monster called GONG who lives in the woods.
  • Finding out her living room window has been bestowed to some flies that use it as ‘god’s waiting room’ and having to hoover them up every morning.
  • Nearly getting sent to jail in Bali.
  • Nearly dying in a cave in Bali.
  • Finding a live moose sprawled on her doorstep in Pennsylvania.
  • Going to court for not paying a £1 bus fare.

Subsequently these vivid and nonsensical episodes have enhanced Jem’s brain power, imagination and resourcefulness due to the mental exertion she has had to execute to make sense of them.

I am glad to have been able to contribute to these studies and succeed in becoming almost completely versatile to vocation- Fashion, and now Science too.


I’ll miss thou’s pixie face.

Live the Dream

7 Oct

delete 160

In a bad economy, the best move is to think of a job that only YOU can do.  This man? He must pursue a career in either correctly predicting the number of days it won’t rain this week, or becoming a Mr. Curry from Paddington Bear look-a-like.


The Proust Questionnaire

6 Oct

Since 1993, the back page of Vanity Fair has been devoted to the Proust Questionnaire, in which a celebrity or rich kid answers a series of personal questions (and often chooses to endorse a bunch of domestic or luxury items-tedious).  The results are on occasion quite utilitarian, for example, Michael Bloomberg saying his greatest extravagance is popcorn (?).

The questionnaire’s origins lie in a game fashioned, though not devised, by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that in answering these questions, an individual reveals their true nature.  Thought I’d give it a whirl…

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
The goddamn hiccups and being cold.

Where would you like to live?
Primrose Hill or Park Slope.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?
To be equally loved and love, amused and amusing.

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

Atticus Finch, Philip Marlowe and Cecile.

Who are your favorite characters in history?
Isabella Bird, Henry James.

Who are your favorite heroes in real life?
Doug Heffernan, Eleanor Friedberger.

The quality you most admire in a man?
Intelligence, morality.

The quality you most admire in a woman?

Your favourite author?

Jonathan Franzen.

Your favorite virtue?


Your favorite occupation?
Reading, team sports.

Your most marked characteristic?

New bangs!

What is your principle defect?
Emotional un-balance.

When were you most happy?
Alderney 1998-99

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
To lose a loved one.

What would you like to be?
A muse.

In what country would you like to live?

What is your favorite colour?
Lilac, gold and white.

What is your favorite flower?
The Peony.

What is your favorite bird?
The Owl.

What are your favorite names?
Maggie, Cass.

What is it you most dislike?
Food with a squishy constitution i.e. overripe fruit.

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

How would you like to die?
Painlessly and peacefully.

What is your present state of mind?

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Crying and buying organic foods.