Archive | July, 2009


30 Jul


Lola, let me squeeze your bun and whisper sweet nothings in its ear.


On Giggle Pops

29 Jul

Iphone 291

For the most part I had a contented childhood. I was not a vegetable hater, I was happy to take regular baths and I was meticulous about wearing clothes that came in sets.  My downfall however, came in the form of a strange foible that I’m certain many children endure (but perhaps not quite so intensely) and that was being tormented by hiccups after extreme fits of laughter.  I was born with hiccups and they faithfully remained an attribute for the duration of my childhood.  Heavy bouts would come on after extreme emotional or physical exertion and I would be left wobbling around trying to maintain a stable breathing pattern (calamitous foreshadowing, anyone?).  Not something you should have to deal with at 5 years old.

The most severe bouts would happen during excited visits to my god mother’s house where I would engage in hyper-active, frenetic Lego making with my god-sisters E.M and Pickle, dubbed because she looked like a pickle (ha! It was the 90’s?) and where my mother would engage in hyper-active and frenetic chain smoking and chitchat with said god-mother.  Play, for both parties, would have to cease when a hiccup attack occurred, thus causing staggered recreation periods throughout the day.  On one of these fateful days, the mothers, during a deeply fumigated conversation, came up with a plan that would be seminal to the memories of my youth.  They invented the ‘GIGGLE POPS’ room. In hindsight, this could be conceived as a cruel attempt to relinquish any responsibility for their children as the function of the giggle pops room was similar to that of an asylum.  The rules given to us were as follows: If any laughing fit were to occur, we three girls must run to the top of the house to the giggle pops room and wait there until the laughing ,or in my case, the hiccups had subsided whence recreational fun could recommence.

Many memories subsequent to this day, centre around the giggle pops room and time spent in it with my substitute sisters.  Yet, I am troubled about the lack of little brother in these memories and the fact he must have spent the whole time passive smoking my mother’s cigarettes.  Anyhow, running up all those stairs so frequently did wonders for my general health as in the preceding years, the hiccup fits settled.  That said, the spells I get in my twenties still average at about 10 per month. Standard, right?

Take note of my tale modern ill-fated children consumed by alcohol fuelled nights.  Please replace narcotic pops with giggle pops.


**Hiccups are involuntary spasms of the diaphragm often accompanied by the familiar “hic” sound. Occasionally they manifest as louder and more embarrassing “huuuugggghhhh”s. Why do we hiccup? It’s a mystery.

Tips for getting rid of hiccups (from a reliable website). Note- not my chosen methods:

1. Plug your nose and ears then swallow 20 times as fast as possible.

2. Distract yourself. Sing a song, go over your 7 times tables.

3. Squawk like a chicken while flapping your arms and bobbing your head as if you were pecking at something. Bugawk!

4. Think of the ugliest person you’ve ever seen. Now picture them naked, rolling naked down a hill or riding a bike and slathered in steak sauce.

5. Eat some pickles.


Life Lounge II

27 Jul


Brook lives in Kentucky.  In his garden he grows a fine calibre of skateboard and every morning he picks one fresh off the vine to have for breakfast instead of cornflakes.

Listen up Agatha Christie!

23 Jul


About a year ago, my parents, provoked by a lonesome pooch named Dilly, (see below) decided to get a new puppy. Slight miscalculation of pets needed I feel.  I have, since the moment of Aggies arrival, had to install several dog bans in the household due to the fact that in her single living year, Aggie has consumed the following domestic and household items:

  1. Approximately 15 electrical cables (television, computer, iPod etc).
  2. My mother’s gear stick.
  3. 2 pairs of shoes and a pair of boots given to me by my boyfriend just hours before (which she consequently threw up the next day- mmm leather puke)
  4. 3 packets of ibuprofen.
  5. Her own bed.
  6. A tube of Berocca.
  7. Many a stray white sock.
  8. ALL of our garden pond life.
  9. My patience.

Discipline is desolate and seems to bypass Aggie favourably.  Not only this, but I frequently find her lounging on the sofa, swigging water from a genteel china bowl and basking in the ecstasy of the electric blow heater.  I am at the end of my tether and soon to give my parents the proverbial moral ultimatum…either she goes, or I do…      

…O.K not really, but next time I have to outlaw Aggie, I’m shipping her off to Amy Whinehouse’s fleahab (ha!) in St Lucia so she can learn the walk of the street dawgs.

I must remember to show Dilly this mouth watering blog when she next comes to visit.


22 Jul

Iphone 001

When she awoke, she glanced in the mirror and hardly recognized herslf.


21 Jul


This, courtesy of Tessa Jay at Circa Now, is suspiciously similar to what I looked like at the end of many a school day.  For multiple reasons, chiefly to avoid paying attention in class at all costs, I would draw a dense amount of crap all over my arms and legs and sometimes even on my peers as a way of diverting all energy from brain to biro. I would find it mildly exhilarating on arriving home and being told by my mother that I would get ink poisoning; of course I never did, but if anything this only encouraged me further.  What I did learn however, was how to curb this skill to my advantage.  Once, before a biology exam for which I did not prepare a half penny, I decided the only way to get through the anatomy section was simply to label my own body (see example attached).  Genius i know, yet all cheating aside it was quite difficult trying to get a glance at the Tarsals and Phalanges, but with a drop of the pen, I ended up with an excellent sidelong view*. This also helped channel my stealth to that of cynical exam invigilator, I was able to spot a cheater at University from a mile off. 

Needless to say, I failed art at school but became an excellent doctor in my mid teens.

Iphone 282

*Girls, if attempting this, you must remember not to wear tights thicker than 15 denier.


20 Jul

Iphone 278

Opposite to Friday fun-gate with IN! Magazine, today’s activities have thus far caused my mood to shift from a shade of soft coral to a violent red, coincidentally mirroring the tone of today’s nail polish, aptly named ‘Bitten’. The cause of this red version of myself goes as follows:

-0830 hrs, bike crash in Hyde Park with suited cyclist (bad choice of attire for strenuous activity anyway), causing chain to dismantle and arrival at work with oily fingers.

– 1325 hrs, finishing off The Week, whilst eating super healthy EAT salad in The Wallace Collection garden when pigeon excretes from a great height onto newly washed hair.  Have to rinse hair in office sink and take nice blazer in for £12 dry clean.

-1815 hrs, throwing my apple core straight into the black hole/taxi that is Monday 20th July 2009 and hearing ‘fekk’ off bellowed from the driver’s window. 

The rest of the day will mostly be taken up by acid-aided body scrubbing and pondering over this great blog, trying to come up with some equally as brilliant nail polish names.